Nobody ever has to know
by Braided bootstraps
Summary: After Headmistress Umbridge releases degree number 31, that boys and girls should not be within 8 inches of one another, Hermione decides to use polyjuice potion to masquerade as a male student until the rule is over turned... with some surprising results. Set during the fifth book. Male!Hermione.
1. Chapter 1

Nobody ever has to know

Hermione stared grimly down into the cauldron of softly bubbling green grey potion, which had the look and smell of a marshland bog. The polyjuice potion had been brewing at the bottom of Hermione's bed for a little over a month, and it was now (if her memory was correct) ready for the final ingredient. The first time she had made this potion she had been a curious second year, but that time around the matter had been entirely different. This time, she was going to use the potion to masquerade as a male student.

Three months before, the horribly familiar sound of Filch's ladder scraping across the stone flags had greeted Ron, Harry and Hermione as they headed down the stairs from transfiguration for dinner. There was already a small crowd gathered around the teetering Filch, who in the process of putting up yet another decree from Headmistress Umbridge. The hall seemed unusually cold without the usual paintings hung up against the walls and Hermione was eager to move into the warmly lit hall before Ron caught her arm. "What?" she huffed at him, but in response he only pointed upwards. There, on the wall, was the new decree:

' _No. 31, Boys and Girls are not permitted to be within 8 inches of each other'_

You could almost hear Professor Umbridge's repulsing voice when you read it.

The idea itself was quite simple, really. It seemed the obvious solution; Hermione would become a boy, briefly, until the rule was overturned and that way she could still spend time with Harry and Ron. She did mention the possibility that Ron and Harry could take the potion to become girls instead, but the looks on their faces quickly vanished away that idea.

"It's only for a little while" she told herself, looking down into the mud-like squelching potion.

Carefully, she pulled a small plastic pouch from a pocket in her robe containing a lock of fine brown hair. A set of neatly folded boys clothes lay next to her and Angelina Johnston stood at the door, keeping an eye out. It was surprising really how many of the girls had wanted to help, considering how much trouble they'd all get into if they were caught. However the universal loathing of Umbridge prevailed and Angelina, Katie, and Ginny had sworn to do whatever they could.

The hairs had come from a boy that lived next door to her home, called Richard Nauss. She'd seen a little of him when she was younger, but now couldn't remember his face as clearly. She'd had to send a very apologetic letter to her parents asking for a sample, but, somehow, they'd pulled through. Carefully tipping the hairs into the cauldron Hermione began to stir immediately as the potion bubbled up and began to steam. Feeling slightly sick, Hermione dipped a goblet she'd 'borrowed' from the great hall into the sludge and pinching her nose, drank it down in one. The effect was immediate. It felt like her stomach was on fire and she was sure at any moment she'd be sick. She didn't remember it being quite as bad but then, she supposed, no one ever did.

"Hermione?"

She felt a hand on her shoulder from where she was doubled up on the floor and remembered that Angelina had probably never seen the effects of polyjuice potion before.

"I'm alright…" she murmured, but stopped short at her voice. It sounded deeper, not like hers at all.

Her throat was tight and painful and she had the strangest prickling sensation all over her scalp. Angelina's hand had drifted from her shoulder and Hermione turned to see her face had turned blank.

Stumbling to her feet (which definitely looked larger) Hermione willed herself over to the full length mirror that lent against the wall. What she saw was not her. The prickling sensation was explained by her hair growing backwards into her head and changing in color and texture to a short, dark auburn cut over a squared face. Richards low, thick eyebrows overcast deep set eyes and thin line of a mouth. His form reminded her of harry's; gangling and stretched out. She stared in disbelief for a few moments as Angelina came to hover behind her. ..She didn't remember Richard being quite that attractive.

Catching herself, Hermione quickly looked away from the glass and turned awkwardly, glancing at Angelina.

"Erm…"

Angelina's arms hung limply by her sides, though a furrow had set between her eyes and she opened her mouth to speak, before saying nothing. Hermione edged around her and reached gratefully for the boys set of clothes.

"You just… I can't believe it's you" she heard Angelina say behind her as she pulled on her trousers.

She found she seemed to have twice as much body hair as before as well.

"Well… It isn't me" she said without looking at Angelina as Ginny burst into the room.

Ginny looked at Hermione, looked at the goblet and still steaming cauldron on the floor, looked at Angelina's flushed expression, and worked it out.

"Merlin's beard.." she managed after a few moments.

Having gotten dressed in robes that now fitted her remarkably well, Hermione sighed slowly. Despite the uncomfortable silence that filled the room, something about the whole thing thrilled her. Maybe it was the fact she really was going against the rules in the most outlandish way conceivable. Maybe (but only a little, if so) it was that she looked good. Really, really good.

"Shall we go show everyone?" Ginny grinned at her, and held back the curtain to the common room staircase. Hermione glanced at Angelina, but Angelina was looking at the window, as if she didn't quite want to look into the room. At her. Something caught unpleasantly at the back of Hermione's mind, though she told herself it was quite reasonable. She knew this was weird for her, as for any of them, but the feeling still didn't quite go away as she approached the stairs.

Two steps onto the staircase and Angelina was swiftly flung from her mind as the floor gave way beneath her. They'd forgotten about the security slide and of course… the staircase now recognized her as a boy.

"Hermione!" Ginny yelled as Hermione was tumbling down the slide to land in a crumpled heap on the common room carpet.

There was a moment of stunned silence, before the common room erupted into cheers. Hermione was hoisted to her feet by the Weasley twins who grinned into her face as they escorted her firmly into the laughing and whooping crowd.

"'Ello Hermione!"

"Nice Hair cut!"

It seemed all of Gryffindor was in on the prank. Hermione turned worriedly to Ginny, who had appeared after her, slowly followed by Angelina who was hanging back and melting into the crowds.

"Ginny, do you think this is a good idea? I mean, can everyone here keep the secret from…"

She was interrupted as Fred and George released her in front of Harry and Ron, who weren't perhaps quite as amused as everyone around them, but smiling none the less.

"Feeling alright 'mione?" Ron asked clapping her over the back.

"It's Richard now, Ron" she reminded him crossly, but smiled at him just in case. He looked a little pale.

"Blimey" he murmured "You're a lot more.. different than I thought you would be"

"Well I can still help you with your homework so don't worry" she huffed back.

Ron looked her up and down a couple of times and eventually cracked a smile. Harry joined him.

"Thanks, Hermione" he smiled "We know you're doing this for us. Well, and yourself, I suppose."

The rest of the common room had died down into an excited murmuring and a few people had begun to turn away to carry on with what they were doing.

"Thanks" Hermione smiled back. Everything felt so weird, but the familiar queasy feeling at least had begun to subside. "What lesson do we have now?"

Harry and Ron looked at each other "Defense against the dark arts…"

"Oh crumbs.." Hermione breathed

"Hermione, relax" Ron hooked his arm around her shoulder as Harry joined her other side and they began to march towards the entrance "It'll go fine"

"I guess we won't know till we try…"


	2. Chapter 2

On the desk, Hermione's fingers were beginning to turn white. She'd been gripping them together for the better part of an hour, starting from about halfway through breakfast, continuing as she made her way through the complicated and winding passages on the way to class, and ending with Ron kicking her lightly under the table after she'd sat down in her usual seat.

"Don't sit there." he whispered "That's _Hermione's_ seat, remember?"

"Right" she'd whispered back uncertainly, getting to her feet again.

"And stop holding your hands together on the desk, it's a dead giveaway"

Making her way to the back of the class where there were a few empty tables Hermione made a note of trying to walk more like a boy and wished desperately that she'd had a bit more time to practice. She the horrible feeling that she didn't really know what she was doing. It was a feeling she'd always hated.

She barely taken her seat before Umbridge, true to form in apricot be-ribboned cardigan and matching pencil skirt, frog marched into the room. Hermione ducked her head, but the headmistress sped past her to the front, as though she'd been another bit of wall.

"Good morning class" she clipped

"Good morning Professor Umbridge" the class droned back.

Hermione didn't say anything, and tried to occupy herself by taking out her books and parchment. She noticed a few of the Gryffindor students glancing back at her and, distracted, she nearly placed her wand on her desk.

Umbridge called out shrilly "Wands away, please"

Hermione quickly stuffed her wand back into her bag, but when she looked up Umbridge's tiny eyes were still trained on her. There was a moment where they stared at each other. It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room. Then, the moment was broken as Umbridge glanced back to her desk, as if nothing had happened. Hermione was certain, suddenly, that she knew.

"Don't panic." she thought quietly "Don't. Panic."

"I will now call attendance" Umbridge continued sweetly "Maria Anglesey?"

She continued down the list, until at last:

"Hermione Granger?"

Hermione bit her lip. There was a cold silence.

"Hermione Granger?" Umbridge frowned slightly and made a small tick on the clipboard she held in front of her. Continuing down to Blaise Zabini, she made to put her clipboard away and flicked her wand towards the board, which at once began to write out her lesson plan for her. Hermione shifted uncomfortably in her seat, but Umbridge made no sign of acknowledging her. She decided to follow suit with the rest of the class and begin copying out the exercise she'd written for them to do.

It was only a few moments however before she heard the tip-tapping of apricot kitten heels on the floor and a small voice saying "ahem".

She looked up into Umbridge's overly broad smile. "And...you are?" she said in a voice a little higher than normal. Think. _Think._

"I…" she stammered "I er…"

She glanced towards Ron and Harry, whose eyes were stretched wide.

"Miss?" Umbridge turned with Hermione to Lavender brown, who had put her hand up on the other side of the room. "That's Richard Nauss. He just transferred here from Ilvermorny."

"...Detention, Miss Brown" Umbridge snapped "For talking out of turn."

Lavender's eyes flickered to her desk and her handly slowly lowered. Umbridge turned back to a startled Hermione, who was trying to remember everything she knew (which wasn't a lot) on the American wizarding school. Ilvermorny was one of those things which she'd always found fascinating, but had little to no time to study. It seemed a pity now that she had apparently lived there for the better part of the last four years.

"Mr Nauss?" Umbridge quipped sweetly and Hermione was brought back to the moment with a jolt.

"Erm...yes.."

"I wasn't notified of your transfer to this school. When did you arrive?"

"Yesterday" she replied quickly "the er… flu network. Into Hogsmeade. Maybe my papers got lost in the department of education? At the ministry?" she did her best to smile up at Dolores's toad-like face, which was currently crumpled and sneering through her smile.

"...I see" Umbridge summoned her clipboard to her hand with a flick of her wand and studied it for a moment. There was a tense silence. "...and why have you made the transfer to Hogwarts, Mr Nauss? If you don't mind my asking?"

"My father was impressed with the recent changes…" Hermione said carefully "A good shade more efficient, he said. I had to agree. We applied for a transfer right away." She decided to lay it on thick "It's such an honor, Professor Umbridge" she smiled coquettishly.

Umbridge turned a light shade of plum which clashed somewhat with her outfit. Her expression now appeared as it did in the daily prophet.

"Well…" she said a little foolishly "I'm sure we're very glad to have such a… committed student. Who did you say your father was?"

"Henry. Henry Nauss." Hermione supplied "It's quite an old american family"

"Mhm" Umbridge made a note on her clipboard. Turning back to the class she added "Welcome to Hogwarts, Mr Nauss. I'm sure you'll find it as satisfactory as you might have hoped."

Hermione glanced towards Ron who gave her subtle thumbs up before glancing towards Lavender and mouthing a silent thank you.

...

"That was close"

Hermione, Ron and Harry were hurrying down the spiral staircase towards the second floor corridor, where Hermione had transfiguration.

"Too close" Harry reminded her.

"I know.." she sighed. "This whole thing… I'm starting to feel like it was a mistake." Looking around herself she could see the groups of boys and girls that had started to cluster sometime after decree 31, carefully watched over by an ever present Mrs Norris.

"Someday I'm going to kick that filthy cat" Ron muttered bitterly.

"Maybe leave it until after Dumbledore comes back." Hermione nodded.

They arrived outside the transfiguration classroom, where a small crowd of Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs (divided by gender) were waiting.

"See you later 'mione" Ron and Harry waved Hermione off and she watched until they had disappeared around the end of the corridor. She shared this class with Katie and Parvati, which was reassuring at least, but it was somewhat daunting doing this without them.

"It's only the first day" she reminded herself "You can do this."

Around her there was a quiet sort of twittering. She was only vaguely aware of it, but every time she turned her head in the direction it seemed to be coming from, she was faced only with a group of students intently observing a bit of grime on the floor or an untied shoelace or a splinter on their wand. She started to catch a few glances from the girls around her, who would meet her eyes for a split second and then quickly turn back to their friends, giggling. For the most part it was Hufflepuff students but she even caught a few sideways looks from girls in Gryffindor. "Whats going on.." she thought to herself "They _know_ it's me"

At that point, Professor McGonagall arrived and the students began to file into the classroom. All except for Hermione, who was stopped at the door.

"I'm sorry" Professor McGonagall said in her polite, stiff voice "I don't think we've met"

"Richard Nauss, Professor" Hermione held out a hand "I'm a transfer student, from America"

"I see you're in my house" Professor McGonagall replied tersely

"Yes…"

"Very well. Please take a seat, Mr Nauss." McGonagall gestured to the classroom and Hermione gratefully took a seat near the back. "Miss Stentson, we have a new student, Mr Nauss. If you could partner with him until I've arranged a seating plan."

Violet Stentson was a soft sort of girl with very pale eyelashes that gave her a permanently alert look. She flushed happily at this and quickly gathering her things together she made her way to the back followed followed by envious stares from the other girls.

"Hello" she breathed as sat down next to Hermione.

Hermione smiled thinly. She wasn't quite sure what to make of this. She knew Richard wasn't that bad looking… although he was surprisingly awkward to move around with; all long limbs and sharps corners. She caught sight of her distorted image on the vial in front of them that they'd be transfiguring into a candelabra. Her cheekbones looked as though you could cut yourself on them. Why Violet Stentson or the rest of Hufflepuff wanted to try was anyone's guess.

"Richard Nauss" called Professor McGonagall "See me at the end of class please."

"Can I call you Dickie?" Violet asked shyly.

...

"Well, Mr Nauss" Professor McGonagall began as soon as the last few students had left. "Take a seat."

Hermione took a seat in the first row and slouched as much as she thought looked convincing.

"I must say I'm surprised to see a new student at this time of year. You have your timetable already?"

"Yes, Professor."

"Of course. I just have a few questions, if you don't mind"

Hermione nodded, and Professor McGonagall peered over the rims of her glasses at her.

"How have you found the school so far? Do you know your way around?"

"I'm managing, the others have been very helpful"

"And the Gryffindor common room?"

"Quite different from back home but I like it, very much"

"And I was wondering, Mr Nauss, how you had been sorted into Gryffindor house without my knowing?"

There was a coarse silence. Professor McGonagall continued to stare over the rims of her glasses at Hermione who was holding her breath.

"Or how you have transferred to this school from Ilvermorny without the correct induction, paperwork, notifications, sorting ceremony….?"

The silence followed. After a few moments, the deputy headmistress sighed, placing her glasses on her desk.

"Miss Granger…" she continued quietly "that is you, isn't it?"

"Yes miss" Hermione mumbled.

There was another pause.

"I only wish.." Professor McGonagall looked up "you'd thought to trust me in this"

Hermione didn't say anything for a moment. "I'm sorry, Miss" she replied.

"You understand I can't allow this to go on."

"Yes miss"

"I will have to write home to your parents on this serious breach of misconduct. I'm afraid the headmistress will also have to be involved."

"Yes miss" Hermione replied gloomily

"Why, exactly, if I may ask?"

Hermione took a deep breath in and let it go. "Do you mind if start at the beginning?"

"Please"

Hermione explained slowly about decree number 31, and how Harry, Ron and her had come up with the idea, rallying the support of the rest of Gryffindor. She was careful to paint herself and the boys in the center of the picture, to inflict the least amount of damage to her house. When she had finished she stared down into her lap and waited for Professor McGonagall to speak.

"...I see" she said at last "Miss Granger I am very sympathetic…"

"But you can't allow this to go on" Hermione finished for her.

"Technically no." Hermione looked up at this, to find Professor McGonagall was fixing her with a cold stare. "Of course Miss Granger I can't allow this to go on and I have every intention of bringing this to the headmistress immediately… Unfortunately it would seem as though I have been hit by a rogue confundus charm." Professor McGonagall's stare was unwavering and Hermione decided to remain silent. "The identity of the witch or wizard who cast the spell is unclear but unfortunately I have been lead to believe that Richard Nauss is not only an upstanding ex student of Ilvermorny school but I myself have seen, signed and taken care of the correct paperwork for his transfer."

Hermione's eyes stretched wide "Miss I… thank you!"

"I am the head of Gryffindor house and deputy head mistress Miss Granger" McGonagall replied sternly "My first duty is to my students, _not_ the headmistress. You may go."

Hermione got to her feet quickly.

"Oh and er, Mr Nauss" Professor McGonagall added as Hermione was heading out the door. "I just received a note from Headmistress Umbridge asking me to inform Miss Granger she is scheduled for detention this week for skipping class. Make sure she's informed, will you?"

"Thank you, miss"


End file.
